the one who doesn’t cry

An unanticipated death; some professional embarrassment in there for good measure. Difficult, due to the fact that the one who died was a child, and a sweet one; that, and the fact that it was likely our fault in some way. (The reader is left to imagine the multitude of ways in which one person in a team of probably hundreds could be possibly at fault. Trust me. We’re all wondering the same thing.)

A debriefing; listening to the vignettes of the family and the child from the circle of chairs in the playroom. Some tall people on some tiny chairs, wilted from night shifts, or the ones fresh from days off, with perfectly applied makeup. They had a long time with this baby, they laid down in his bed and hugged him, patted his tummy to comfort him in that way they had seen his dad do, taking him to the playroom instead of starting his feeds … interviews with mom … years of past history … perhaps wondering why they hadn’t intervened earlier.

If there’s anything I’ve learned through a multitude of shitty situations, a multitude of debriefings, it’s this: no matter what is your fault, it’s over. Learn from it, for it’s the only possible positive outcome of an entirely crappy situation. Beating yourself up about how it could have been better if you had the power to go back in time and fix your fuckups is ultimately a failed exercise in self-loathing, and the self-loathing is an obstacle to learning: what’s happened has happened, so learn for next time, and prevent it from happening again.

A lot of that happened in that debriefing. From the strong and silent among us semi-blaming themselves, knowing what they’d do different, to the ones who have what seem like the easiest jobs in that they are only so tangentially involved, nearly everyone seemed upset nearly to the point of tears.

Except me.

It came to be my turn near the end, and I spoke of equipment malfunctions, problems with sensors, recalibrating X and Y, and of being pissed at myself (not blaming) because I had been so absorbed in the equipment that for that critical minute, I forgot to look at the patient. I wasn’t upset at the death of the kid, I was more pissed at myself that I had immediately jumped to the conclusion that the equipment was messing up on me.

To be fair to myself, the rest of the equipment hadn’t exactly been working as intended, and I’d had problems from the get-go. Things were quiet and stuff that should have been watched wasn’t, but it’s hard to not feel a bit like an uncaring goon when the people who weren’t even there for the arrest seem significantly more shaken up than I am.

It’s remarkable to me because, I think, this is not simply because of respiratory or because of the sheer amount of times I’ve been there when somebody’s died. I don’t think it’s that I’ve become desensitized or somehow heartless regarding the whole incident. Indeed, I was upset about it — I just did all my crying immediately afterwards and not in the debriefing. So it goes.

I think, however, that last paragraph is a bit reflective of how RTs are. We have the face we show to the rest of the team, and then there’s the things we say, the stuff we complain about, the opinions we share, the discussions of what bother us, the planning what to do next, that we all do behind the closed door of the respiratory department. The reason I never cry at organized debriefings, the ones headed by a social worker or someone with training for crying people, is because in order to keep doing what I do, I have to do it every day, by myself, behind a closed door. More often than not, I do it with other RTs. Sometimes, like the particular instance that struck me this time, I end up doing it at 2am with other health professionals, like the nurse who gave me a hug before I cleaned my vent and went home to bed.

I think it’s healthier that way; that I know how to debrief so that I can sleep, that I do it automatically and without needing hand-holding or prompting. I think it’s what means I can do my job without having a nervous breakdown.

Long ago I used to worry that not crying about these things meant I was getting callous and gritty, jaded and bitter, all those things that they usually say about surgeons and cops. I don’t worry about those things anymore: I think I have a better understanding of grief and attachment as a result of having done it more times than I can count. I can survive without losing compassion. Maybe some would call it tough, but I hate that word for this. It’s not some kind of machismo bullshit need to appear all stiff-upper-lippy. It’s just self-preservation. I can sleep without waking up screaming, I can go to work the next morning, and I can still have fun at work. I still love my job. No matter how shitty it gets, I plan to. For a long, long time.

Advertisements
Tagged , , , , , ,

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: